It’s Okay

7 Mar

This morning I found it a little difficult to get my day going. My mind was stuck in old memories, specifically the memories of my last relationship. We were together for about seven months but that doesn’t adequately describe the nature of our relationship. In fact, words often fail to describe what we meant to each other and how intricately woven,  complex and confusing our feelings were, are. It was mostly long distance. At first he wanted it more than me– I actually rejected him three times because I knew I was moving away and because I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But then he won me over or maybe I caved. I won’t lie, I had half foot out the door most of the way through, I doubted myself, doubted us. Then something unexpected happened, his father passed away while he was visiting. We flew back together and I spent the week with him, consoling and assisting in all of the arrangements. We were a team, partners– our own duo drawing strength and love from each other.  It felt right. He has a little sister who I still care for deeply. Then I came back. I was busy at work with Christmas, and struggling to balance staying in touch with him and creating a life in my new home. All we wanted to do was spend more time together but it was hard. Even when we were together it was awkward, like we were trying so hard to make it perfect and easy, that it was unnatural and hard. So we stopped communicating. And then he did the unforgivable.

At the very beginning I had agreed to date on one condition: no matter what happens we stay friends. I thought I’d do the hurting, I never imagined it’d be the reverse. I’ve spend the last month playing reruns in my head, wondering where I went wrong, what I could have done differently. I couldn’t forget those moments where it felt right, we felt right. A sensation I’ve never before felt. And I find myself grieving, mourning the loss of what could have been. Wondering if it still could be, with the right effort and the right communication… But even before that fantasy gets off the ground I know it can’t. Not now at least. Not in our current state. Because if there is one thing all of this has uncovered it’s that we are not in a state to prioritize someone else right now. We are both confused, directionless and unsure of our own worth. And we need time to mend and heal.

So this is where I found myself this morning– replaying old memories, churning through old thoughts trying to logic myself out of my emotional maze to some state of calm and certainty. And I thought to myself, “I’m tired. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tried of the culmination of our story always reaching the same sad conclusion, when it is more than that!”

He sent me an email last week. A mutual friend of ours passed away recently and he has just attended the memorial event. He told me he misses me a lot. And seeing our friends was flooding his brain with all these memories. He said he truly hoped things are going well for me in ever aspect. I didn’t know how to respond, wasn’t even sure I wanted to. But then, this morning as I was struggling on yet another morning to get out of bed I wondered what the old me would do. With all the changes in my life and the emotional ups and downs I often can’t recognize myself anymore. So this morning I focused very hard on the person I was (the person I know I still am deep down but can’t seem to find) and thought– what would the old me do?

So I replied with a few simple lines:

“I know. I miss you too.

When we recall memories of us, maybe instead of focusing on the romance we could focus on the friendship and how we cared about each other. This doesn’t have to be a sad thing if we don’t want it to be. Our memories together don’t have to be a reminder of loss and mourning.”

I wrote that as much for him as I did for myself. And for the first time I found myself thinking, it’s okay. It’s okay that things didn’t work out. It’s even okay that there was hurt. It’s not good, it’s not bad– it is simply okay.

I came across this wonderful music video when perusing (one of my favorite blogs) and it filled me with a level of joy I haven’t had in some time. The kind that swells your belly and makes your eyes sparkle. And so long as there are enough moments like those, well it’s okay.


One Response to “It’s Okay”

  1. isfahaaan March 9, 2012 at 1:09 am #

    so she said as i try and suppress thoughts on a parallel situation.

    we’re fabulous and young. and we’re NOT broken beyond repair. hang in there and revel in the fact that we’re loved by many. and deeply. seriously. the worst we can do is be consumed by the negative energy, to let the bitterness make us ugly.

    this made me feel better. kinda.

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